


A Harmless Pastime

by SlimyRat



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/F, Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 02:12:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11071902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlimyRat/pseuds/SlimyRat
Summary: Miranda Lawson stumbles onto Shepards secret hobby, and life on the Normandy will never be the same again.





	A Harmless Pastime

Miranda Lawson – top Cerberus operative, second in command of the SSV Normandy, genetically engineered for your pleasure – sat at her desk and did her usual scan of the Normandy's computer systems. Each member of the crew had their own private account, which could be used for emails, browsing the galactic net, playing games and, of course, downloading porn (Jacob's collection was especially vast, a fact with which Miranda intended to blackmail him as soon as a good opportunity presented itself).

Of course, Miranda's definition of 'private' was 'only accessible by the designated user, and by Operative Lawson', and if the designated user wasn't aware of the second clause, well, what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. Unless Miranda found something in their account which might pose a threat to the mission, in which case she would hurt them very badly indeed.

Rolling her eyes at Jacob's latest purchase of _Hanar Prostitutes Vol. XII_ , Miranda logged out of his account. She didn't really expect to find anything incriminating, but there was always the chance that one of the crew might leak sensitive information, intentionally or otherwise. Even an offhand comment in an email could pose a risk if it allowed one of Cerberus's numerous enemies to predict the Normandy's movements. So, as the Commander was currently busy exploring a derelict Reaper, she cracked her knuckles and keyed in the special password that gave her access to Carla Shepard's private terminal.

She scanned the Commander's emails briefly, not finding much to interest her. There were a couple of heavily encrypted messages to her asari on Ilium, mostly containing somewhat awkward romantic sentiments and expressions of concern for Dr T'Soni's well-being. There was also an email to Chief Williams, tentatively attempting to repair their damaged friendship. Miranda was pleased to note that in both cases Shepard had made only vague references to her mission, and was about to log out of the account when her attention was caught by an otherwise innocuous datafile titled 'Miranda-discipline'.

Miranda frowned. She wasn't aware that Shepard had a problem with her, and certainly not to the extent that she felt Miranda should be disciplined. She racked her brains, trying to recall any occasions where the Commander might have felt she wasn't doing her duty correctly. Nothing came to mind, so she shrugged and opened the document, quickly scanning the contents.

_Kelly Chambers stepped into her superior's office, but didn't see the Cerberus officer in her usual seat at her desk._

" _Ms Lawson?" She called out. "You said you wanted to talk to me about my annual performance review?"_

" _Back here." An Australian accented voice replied, and Kelly obligingly followed it into Miranda's private quarters, where she was shocked to find the other woman waiting for her clad only in thigh-length boots and a black thong decorated with the Cerberus insignia, her perfect body on full display to the Yeoman's astonished eyes. A riding crop dangled lightly from her right hand._

" _Yes, your performance review." Miranda purred. "Frankly, Yeoman, I'm concerned."_

" _Concerned, Ma'am?" Kelly mumbled distractedly, her eyes riveted to the hypnotic sway of Miranda's magnificent breasts._

" _I have misgivings about your loyalties, Chambers. While you are obviously personally devoted to our dear commander, this is still a Cerberus ship first and foremost, and it is Cerberus's needs that should always take priority. Who is the ranking Cerberus officer on this ship, Yeoman?"_

" _Uh, you, Ma'am?" Kelly ventured._

" _Exactly." Miranda smirked. "So logically, that means taking care of MY needs is your top priority, doesn't it?"_

_By this point Kelly wouldn't have recognised logic if the ghost of Aristotle had appeared and whacked her across the head with a copy of 'Prior Analytics', so she just nodded and tried not to drool too much._

" _Good!" Miranda said. She handed Kelly a ball gag. "Now put this on and take everything else off."_

Coincidentally, Jacob Taylor had just come down to the mess for lunch, and the sound of Miranda's outraged shriek made him drop his tray in surprise. Leaving Mess Sergeant Gardner to clean up, he hurried into her office, to find his red-faced colleague spluttering incoherently at her computer.

"What is it Miranda?" He asked.

"Shepard! She- It's- Chambers of all people! I-"

"Whoa, whoa! Gonna need complete sentences here, Miranda!" Jacob cried. Miranda paused and took several deep breaths as she struggled to regain her usual cool poise.

_'Screw poise_.' She thought, then out loud: "We spent two bloody years and God knows how many billions resurrecting a complete pervert!" She yelled. Jacob was taken aback by her display of temper.

"Pervert? You mean Shepard? Are you kidding me? The woman's so straight-laced you could fasten your shoes with her." Miranda didn't bother to reply, just waving him around to look at her terminal. Jacob read for a moment then stopped, his eyes bulging.

"What the-? Kelly? You- with- she- Your whole fist? Ouch!" He gave Miranda a slightly shifty look. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this never actually happened, right?"

"Correct!" She snapped. "It's all a product of our commander's depraved imagination. Chambers, for Christ's sake!"

"Right." Jacob nodded. "So... can I have a copy of this? To, you know, analyse? Ow!" He rubbed his suddenly bruised arm. "I was just asking!"

"Why? _Hanar Prostitutes_ starting to get boring?" Miranda snarked.

"How did you know-? Miranda!" Jacob whined. Miranda chuckled at his embarrassed expression and closed the file. She was prepared to forget the whole business and try to purge her mind of the image of herself and bloody Yeoman Chambers (of all people!) doing... _things_ together, and hope that she could keep a straight face next time she talked to Shepard. But then she took a closer look at the _other_ files. Dozens of them, in fact, many of which bore names she recognised. Taking a deep breath, she opened one.

"Um, Jacob?" She asked tentatively. "Would you say that you and Thane are particularly close?"

"Thane?" Jacob shrugged. "Not particularly. I still don't like assassins, but so long as he does his job and doesn't cause trouble I've got no beef with him."

"Uh-huh." Miranda said, her eyes fixed on her terminal. "So not _this_ close then?" She pointed to the screen.

_Jacob stared at the ceiling, wishing they had decided to do this somewhere with air conditioning. The environment in Life Support was hotter and dryer than he was accustomed to, and even naked he was starting to feel uncomfortably warm, beads of sweat forming on his dark skin._

_Still, he thought, whatever little discomfort he might be feeling was more than worth it. He adjusted his grip on his ankles, his legs held splayed above him, leaving him exposed to the Drell assassin's heated gaze._

" _Are you ready?" Thane asked, lust making the rasp in his voice even more pronounced than usual. Jacob nodded, then gasped as two of the Drell's slender fingers, glistening with lubricant, slid into his anus and_

This time, the sound of the screams reached the main battery, where Kelly Chambers, who was making her usual rounds to assess the crew's mood, was talking to Garrus. Naturally, they both hurried to Miranda's office to investigate.

"Shut it down! For god's sake shut it down!" Jacob yelled, his shotgun pointing at Miranda's terminal.

"I'm trying!" She shrieked, one hand covering her eyes as the other stabbed blindly at her keyboard.

"Ahem." The two Cerberus agents looked up to see the Turian and Yeoman staring at them, and, with some effort, pulled themselves together.

"Anything wrong?" Garrus asked, his mandibles twitching curiously. Miranda and Jacob exchanged a look.

"Nothing!" Miranda said, much too brightly. "I just had a little software glitch and Jacob was helping me fix it, that's all."

"With his shotgun?" Kelly asked sceptically. Miranda decided that she really didn't like the young psychologist at all.

"Tech support was busy." She snapped. "Anyway, everything's fine now, so you might as well get back to whatever it was you were doing."

"Sorry, but you don't get off that easily." Garrus chuckled. "This is _way_ too intriguing." He walked around the desk and peered at the terminal. "Data files? Hmm. Jacob and Thane in 'Body Heat'? Samara and Jack... Grunt?" He looked curiously at Miranda. "Wanna tell me what this is about?"

"If you must know, it's a stash of frankly pornographic stories." Miranda admitted. Garrus and Kelly both stared at her. "I didn't write them!" She hurriedly explained. "Shepard did! The woman is obsessed."

"Shepard? Writing porn? Ridiculous!" Garrus exclaimed.

"The evidence is right here!" Miranda said. "Dozens of them, all about the members of this crew! Ask Jacob if you don't believe me." Everyone looked at the Cerberus soldier.

"The horror, the horror." Jacob whimpered, staring longingly into the barrel of his shotgun.

"See?" Miranda said. "I was worried that it was a side-effect of the Lazarus Project, but some of these stories are over two years old. Shepard must've recovered them from the wreck of the old Normandy. Look at this one: 'Garrus/Pressly – First Contact'. Wasn't Pressly Shepard's old XO?"

Garrus took a step back. "I- I don't believe it." He gasped.

"It's right here. You can read it if you-"

"How did she know?!" Garrus cried.

"want to- What?" Miranda said.

"About me and Pressly!" Garrus wailed. "We were keeping our relationship a secret. Oh Pressly, my love! I miss you so much!" Everyone else looked away, embarrassed, as the Turian started crying.

By now the gathering in Miranda's office was attracting attention, and Jack strolled into the room, followed by Grunt and Tali.

"**** you, you **** ****." She cheerfully greeted everyone. "What's **** going on?"

Miranda sighed. "Shepard's been writing pornographic stories about us." She said.

"What, all of us?" Tali asked.

"Am I in any of them?" Kelly asked, trying to peer over Miranda's shoulder.

"No!" Miranda barked, swatting at her until she backed away.

"Pornographic?" Grunt asked. "What's that mean? The tank didn't mention it."

"Images or descriptions of sexual acts designed to cause arousal." Kelly explained.

"****." Jack elaborated.

"Huh." Grunt shrugged. "I guess that's not a Krogan thing." Miranda glanced at the list of files.

"Shepard might disagree." She said. Opening a file she started to read aloud: "' _Grunt snarled and charged at his opponent, but the older krogan was ready for him and side-stepped his attack, then hurled a wave of biotic force at his back, knocking the young warrior to the ground. Before he could recover, Wrex was on him, catching Grunt in a wrestling hold that the younger krogan didn't have the leverage to break._

" _You're tough, boy, I'll grant you that. Maybe even tougher than me." Wrex growled. "But experience beats muscle every time."_

" _Are you going to kill me?" Grunt asked, struggling futilely in the battlemaster's grip._

" _I don't believe in wasting troops." Wrex answered. "But you challenged me. I can't just let you go without making sure you understand who's in charge around here." Biotic power flared and Grunt's silver armour snapped open and fell away. Wrex studied the young krogan's muscular form, a lecherous grin spreading across his scarred face. He ran his hand down Grunt's body, reaching between his legs to cup his quad._

" _Okeer wasn't kidding when he said he'd made you perfect." He said, as he started unfastening his own armour.'"_

"**** **** you **** in the ****, **** Shepard **** **** a jar of jam." Jack commented as Miranda broke off. Everyone looked to the krogan for his reaction. Grunt shrugged.

"Okeer didn't give me any details about krogan mating rituals." He said. "For all I know that could be completely accurate."

" _Grunt_ gets a story?" Kelly whined. "Are you _sure_ I'm not in any of them? Like, maybe one where a scarred but beautiful commander falls in love with her devoted junior officer? Or something."

"No! Shut up!" Miranda snapped.

"Pressly, my darling. My life is so empty without you. Why couldn't Shepard just leave me to die?" Garrus muttered tearfully. In the corner, Jacob was rocking back and forth, oblivious to the world around him.

"So, you mean Shepard's actually getting off on imagining us all having sex with each other?" Tali asked.

"Apparently so." Miranda said, scowling. "Disgusting though the thought may be. I can just picture her sitting alone at night, thinking up all these perverted scenarios."

"Yes," Kelly said. "She must be spending hours in her quarters, sitting at her terminal, probably naked. Touching herself as she writes. Her beautiful face illuminated only by the light from the screen as she brings herself to orgasm, her mind empty of everything but sex, sex, sex! Oh!" The Yeoman gasped. "I think I need to lie down." Tali gave Kelly a dubious look and decided that it was better just to ignore her from now on.

"I was wondering," the quarian said, "whether Shepard had written herself into any of her stories."

"Why?" Jack asked. "You wanna **** **** your **** **** while **** Shepard **** **** **** **** her **** **** maybe some light classical music and **** **** her ****?"

"I don't know about her but _I_ certainly do." Kelly muttered.

Tali sighed. "Never mind." She said.

"Actually, I think I saw something..." Miranda scrolled down the list of files. "Ah, here we are. 'Me/Liara – A Happy Reunion.'" She opened the file while the others gathered around. "Let's see. Dinner... candlelight... slow dancing." She blinked in surprise. "Bloody hell, this is the sappiest thing I've ever seen. It's like one of those romance novels Zaeed pretends he doesn't read."

"**** that stuff, get to the ****." Jack demanded.

"Don't rush me." Miranda muttered. "I love you's... more I love you's... marriage proposals? Are you kidding me?" The Cerberus officer rolled her eyes. "This is the saviour of the galaxy? Hm, this looks promising." She paused and cleared her throat. "' _Shepard grunted as her beloved took a flying leap, landing squarely in her lap, with a grin that was ecstatic-bordering-on-deranged. "Yes, Carla, oh yes! I will marry you."_

" _That's a relief." Shepard joked. "I lost the receipt for the ring."_

" _Mm-hm." Liara said. "Do you still have the receipt for your dress?"_

" _Huh? Yeah, but- Whoa!" The commander said, as the young asari tore her dress open, revealing the infiltrator's small, firm breasts, which the archaeologist had apparently decided would make the perfect dessert. Always quick to react to changing circumstances, Shepard responded in kind, tearing at the asari's clothes, before abruptly collecting herself._

" _Wait, Liara, wait." She gasped. Liara peered up at her._

" _Mmffle mne?" She asked, before reluctantly releasing Carla's nipple from her mouth. "Is something wrong?" She said._

" _Not at all." Shepard reassured her. "But, since this is a special occasion, I kinda wanted to try something different." Her fiancée was intrigued._

" _What do you have in mind?" Liara asked. Shepard's reply was pre-empted by the door chime._

" _Come in." Shepard called. The door hissed open and Tali strolled in, apparently unperturbed by the couple's state of undress. Liara squeaked and started to cover herself, but Shepard stopped her._

" _It's okay, Liara." She said. "As I told you, I want to try something different, so I invited Tali to join us." Tali nodded and gave Liara a little wave._

" _Are you sure?" Liara asked. "I mean... it's not that I mind, but won't Tali's environment suit be a problem?"_

" _We already thought of that." Tali assured her, reaching into one of the many concealed pockets on her suit and drawing out a large, silvery metal phallus. "It was Shepard's idea, but I built it out of spare parts I had lying around." She plugged the sex toy into a socket on the crotch of her environment suit. "See? It interfaces directly with my suit's nerve stimulators, so I'll be able to feel everything I do to you." There was a click, and the phallus started to vibrate. "So, who wants it first?"_

_Shepard kissed her fiancée before nudging her in the quarian's direction. "You first, love." She said. "For now, I just want to watch."'"_

The assembled crew members looked at each other. Well, some of them did. Jacob appeared to be in shock and was staring blankly at nothing, Garrus was making an effort to pull himself together, before bursting into fresh torrents of tears and lamenting the loss of his "shiny headed god of love", Grunt had gotten bored of the whole business and was head-butting the wall for fun, and Tali was busily running calculations on her omni-tool and muttering about "revolutionizing quarian sex lives" and "patent will be worth millions!"

So anyway, Miranda, Jack and Kelly looked at each other.

"****. Totally **** ****." Jack said.

"Don't be so bloody revolting." Miranda said, massaging her temples. "If this gets out Shepard's reputation will be shot. Sooner or later we're going to have to convince the council that the Reaper threat is real, and we're not going to have a hope in Hell if they're looking at Shepard and wondering if she's picturing them mid-orgy."

"Surely even Shepard wouldn't..." Kelly trailed off at the sight of Miranda's grim expression. "She would?" Miranda nodded tiredly.

"Allow me to point out exhibit A: Councillor Anderson in 'The Induction Ceremony'. Apparently it's a searing tale of lust, corruption and galactic politics. If you make me read any of it I swear I will hit you with a warp field that'll leave you looking like one of Grunt's bowel movements."

"Naw." Grunt interjected. "She's not big enough."

"Wait, the damn _Council_ get a story but I don't? That blows!" Kelly pouted. Miranda ignored her.

"My point is that this creepy little hobby of the Commander's could lead to the destruction of organic life as we know it! Never mind that I'm not going to be able to talk to her from now on without feeling like I need a shower."

"**** it. So **** Shepard's got a few dirty **** fantasies. It's not that **** bad." Jack shrugged.

"Not that bad?" Miranda gasped. "She paired me with Chambers of all people!"

"You mean I'm in a story after all? Awesome!" Kelly said.

"FUCK OFF, CHAMBERS!" Miranda roared.

It was at this point that Thane, attracted by the hullabaloo, looked into the office to inquire what was going on. The effect was instantaneous. Jacob snapped out of his catatonia and leapt to his feet, a wild look in his eyes, pointing his shotgun at the assassin and yelling "I am not your god damn _siha!_ " Miranda reacted quickly, swinging her arm up and knocking the shotgun barrel off target. The weapon went off, the blast impacting on the ceiling. The crew took that as their cue to go berserk.

"Fight!" Grunt yelled happily, and punched Garrus in the face, knocking the turian into the wall. Tali leapt onto the krogan's back and tried to pull him away from her dazed comrade, having no effect whatsoever until she summoned a combat drone and ordered it to "go for the eyes", which distracted Grunt long enough for Garrus to recover and boot him in the quad.

Jack shrugged and decked Kelly. Purely for the hell of it.

"Never mind." Thane said, and closed the door behind him.

He met Shepard as the Commander was stepping out of the elevator and directing Samara and Mordin to store the inert Geth they were carrying in the AI Core. The Infiltrator was instantly alert to the sounds of violence coming from Miranda's office.

"What the hell is going on, Thane?" She demanded. Thane blinked and his eyes took on a distant look. Shepard recognised an oncoming flashback and impatiently shoved the assassin aside before marching into the office, finding herself in the middle of an almighty brawl.

"EVERYBODY KNOCK IT OFF THIS INSTANT!" She bellowed. All the combatants froze and looked at her with guilty (or, in Jack and Grunt's case, perfectly cheerful) expressions. Shepard scowled at the tangled mass of bodies on the floor, but secretly she thought: _"I could make a story out of this."_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this story on FF.net during a past internet life, but took it down for various reasons a few years later. I think it's dated a bit, and could probably use a spot of polish here and there, but hopefully still has enough funny bits to be worth reading.


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